A Difficult Subject

I apologize in advance for the depressing post, but I have wanted to share this for a long time now and for some reason now seems like the right time.

I want to first say, that I have been extremely fortunate with not having many hardships the first thirty or so years of my life. I am grateful for that. I have been blessed with so many wonderful people and events in my life and I am truly thankful. Generally, I try to keep my posts very upbeat, however, today I want to discuss something that has deeply affected me and honestly I don't think I will ever be the same: having a miscarriage.

In May 2014, on a Sunday morning, I will never forget how thrilled/excited/shocked I was to get that positive on a pregnancy test. I had gone off the pill only three weeks before and I really did not think I would get pregnant that quickly. We honestly were not even “trying” yet.  I could not contain my excitement and although we had several family members staying with us that weekend, I quickly put on some clothes and ran out to pull Evan aside and tell him the amazing news. I will never forget the tears of joy in his eyes when I told him that he was going to be a daddy. We cried, hugged, and kept our amazing little secret to ourselves the rest of the weekend. We then proceeded over the next two weeks to tell a select few individuals the joyous news: my parents, his parents, and several close friends. 

On the day of our first doctor's appointment I woke up with some minor cramping. I wasn't terribly concerned until I went to the bathroom and noticed a few drops of blood. Now every pregnant woman knows that any amount of blood is a very scary thing. The bleeding picked up very slightly and I began to panic. Evan and I went to work although all I really wanted to do was sit at home and cry. I kept asking Evan if I should call our OBGYN immediately and that maybe they could do something.  He told me to call at work, but that honestly there was nothing they could do.  I felt so incredibly helpless.  At work, I researched everything I could find about bleeding during pregnancy and it didn't look very good.  I called the nurse at our OBGYN and she told me not to panic and that unless the bleeding was major, it was most likely nothing to worry about and that they would see us at our eight week appointment that afternoon.  I barely got through the day I was so upset and worried.  By the time we got to the doctor's appointment, the bleeding had picked up a good bit and I was starting to suspect the worst.  One of the technicians performed an ultrasound after what seemed like waiting for FOREVER. I kept looking hopefully at the technician's face for any clue as to what she was seeing on the screen, but I got nothing. After the ultrasound, we were taken into a room to wait for the doctor. The doctor came in after what seemed like an ETERNITY and immediately told us that they couldn't see anything on the ultrasound.  I immediately started sobbing.  Although all day I was mentally preparing myself for the worst, I never in a million years thought it would actually happen. I never thought I would miscarry.  It really is one of those things that although is very common, I think every woman thinks it won't happen to them.  I, at least, didn't think it would happen to me. The next twenty-four hours were a blur. I think Evan and I both were in shock.  

After the initial shock and horror wore off came the questions....did I do something to cause this? Am I going to miscarry again? After the first week, came the feelings of anger and resentment.  Why did this happen to us? How are so many other people able to have children without miscarrying? Are we going to be able to have children naturally? The questions and sense of fear of the unknown wouldn't go away.  I would like to say that it got easier to live with what happened.  It did after two months or so...a very little bit.  Every time I found out another acquaintance was pregnant or saw moms with their children, it hurt.  I wanted to have a baby so badly and it was taken away from me. Not to say that I wasn't happy for others, but my pain made it very hard for me to be around others with children, especially babies.  For the most part; the pain really did not lessen until we found out we were pregnant again.  I told Evan the day I miscarried that the only way I would truly be able to move past the miscarriage would be to conceive again and have a healthy baby.  Thankfully, we cried tears of joy when we found out approximately three months after miscarrying that we were expecting again.  I felt so much better once I knew we were on the path to beginning again.  Although it took us only approximately three months after the miscarriage to conceive again, it seemed like an eternity.  It gave me a very small taste of what it would be like to have issues with infertility and it was AWFUL.  I can't even imagine dealing with not getting pregnant for a year or more.  I feel for all those women who have had issues with this.

I would never wish a miscarriage on my worst enemy; it was a pretty traumatic thing to go through; however I learned a great deal from the experience. It made me value life so much more than I did previously and made me so thankful now that I am now having a healthy pregnancy. I think I took it for granted that I would be able to conceive easily and with no issues.  I realize now that there are no guarantees in life.

So why disclose all of this? After I miscarried, I really appreciated reading other blog's where women described their feelings after miscarrying and in many cases ultimately having a healthy pregnancy.  It made me feel better and gave me hope that I would one day have a healthy baby. I want to do the same for others. I know that my experience probably pales in comparison to a lot of others, but for me it was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with.

As many of you know, we are expecting our first child, a baby girl, in May. For the past 34 weeks, I have had a very easy and healthy pregnancy and I am so thankful for that.  For those of you who are currently dealing with the grief of a miscarriage, I want you to know that there is hope. There 
is a very good chance that you will go on to have a healthy baby.  You may feel hopeless now, but know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and that there is a very good chance that you will experience the joy that we are feeling with the impending birth of our first child. Miscarriage is one of those fluke things that is devastating and unexplainable.  Although it is definitely one of the most difficult things we have dealt with, it has definitely made us stronger and thankful for everything God has given us and especially thankful for our baby girl that will be here in six weeks or less.